May302012

How did you last this long?

I do not know how she has lasted this long living with her… I can hardly stand to talk with her for five minutes. God, I love and admire my grandmother so much. She is the reason that I am alive today. If it weren’t for her I know for a fact that I would have been a screwed up kid. What I wouldn’t give to have a relationship with my mom that didn’t end up if a fight every single day. I wish she would understand that I love her and I need her to be my mommy. But every thing that comes out of her mouth just ruins every thing else. She never makes sense, and is paranoid as fuck. I guess that’s what you end up with when you have a slight mental disability and worsen it with doing drugs at such a young age. Now we just fight and she said that she does not want to go to my graduation from high school, the only one I will ever have in my life. I fucked up. and she set me off. I know that she hates social events but I don’t care, I don’t want to have to remember having my graduation dinner and taking pictures with my family and friends with out my mom there. It would feel as though my mother had died. I know that she must love me but if we keep fighting I’m not sure how much longer I can last listening to her. How did you do it? Grandma tell me how did you do it?! Why won’t she leave me alone!!!!! Fuck everything, I can not stand her! I want a real mom! I want the mom that is buried underneath all that bullshit built up on the fat ass-ed body that hefts herself around the house like she weighs ten tons! I want the mom that will hug me and not make it awkward, while she sits on her fat ass every day belching and eating all of the food in the house like there will always be food there! Just like she asks for money from my grandma like she has an unlimited supply because she is the only one that has a job in the house supporting us!! God damn it! I want!!!!!!!!!!!……I DON’T KNOW WHAT I WANT!!!!!!……. </3

May52012
Moronic. Sometimes I feel completely ignorant or just flat out stupid. Some of my friends tell me that I make them feel that way, but the information I know are small random facts that serve a purpose but are not important at all when spoken of. People make me wish I would actually study something of importance or something that requires a high concentration of intelligence. I wishi didn&#8217;t feel this way.

Moronic.

Sometimes I feel completely ignorant or just flat out stupid. Some of my friends tell me that I make them feel that way, but the information I know are small random facts that serve a purpose but are not important at all when spoken of. People make me wish I would actually study something of importance or something that requires a high concentration of intelligence. I wishi didn’t feel this way.
April192012

Home.

Can I please just go home now? This nightmare has lasted for to long. GET THEM OUT OF MY FUCKING HOUSE! They’ve soiled all of the memories and I just want it back before the disaster…I cry all the time because I need my home back… My heart and past along with my future was left in that home…please? PLEASE! CAN I GO HOME NOW?!?!?? ); please….? 3

April112012
Lonely. I feel lonely and all I do is listen to music. Music isn&#8217;t bad but it would be nice to have someone to listen to it with and have them just sit or lay there beside me. It&#8217;s my own fault I guess but still&#8230; I know I sound depressing but I&#8217;m really just bored and lonely. :/ plus I&#8217;m doing laundry at the moment so the only good thing out of it is having warm sweatpants to lounge in.

Lonely.

I feel lonely and all I do is listen to music. Music isn’t bad but it would be nice to have someone to listen to it with and have them just sit or lay there beside me. It’s my own fault I guess but still… I know I sound depressing but I’m really just bored and lonely. :/ plus I’m doing laundry at the moment so the only good thing out of it is having warm sweatpants to lounge in.
April102012

Emotional.

I feel like crying so badly sometimes. I’m not sure if I’m over whelmed because I don’t really have any homework although I do have track and musical at the same time. It’s not my monthly cycle time either. So don’t go there; I only get EXTREMELY tired when that comes around. It is like I want to cry for no reason at all and then I think of reasons to cry for but then realize that those reasons were my own personal faults so I shouldn’t cry for them. The cry of pain is there right inside of me, but it won’t come out. I have nothing to really cry about anyways, I have everything that someone would want I suppose and I should be one of the happiest people you would ever meet! But no. I may act like that sassy stern carefree loving caring crazy mess of a person you see everyday but there is always a sadness somewhere in me and I’m not sure what it’s ment for. Don’t pity me or help me try to find what it is. Don’t feel obligated to “save me” or say “It’ll be okay.” Don’t look at me that way. That look of concern for my well being. I don’t want that. Im A big girl. I want…. I don’t know what I want. But at the same time I want everything. That might be why I feel the need to cry, because I do not know what I want.

April62012
Relationships. I&#8217;ve never been in a relationship, let alone had a boyfriend. I think it&#8217;s not only because I&#8217;m scared to have one or to get betrayed or even hurt, I just don&#8217;t understand them. The only male role model that I have ever had as a constant in my life is my uncle Christian. He&#8217;s been my best friend, brother, and father my whole life. And I thank him for that. And he shows me that there are good guys out there but that there are also the guys who are not necessarily bad but just not for me. And there was never any strong marriages in my family either. I always had a rule about not dating and my friends at first would say, &#8221; Why?! Don&#8217;t you want to find someone and be with them? Or fall in love? Have fun while you&#8217;re still young! &#8221; and after helping them with their relationships and problems they now say, &#8221; You were smart to do that! but I think it&#8217;s time you lived a little now since you&#8217;ve given yourself enough time to think about dating. &#8221; and I do think it&#8217;s time for a change. A fresh new start is what I need and I might just wait until graduation day to break my rule. Since there is no one I can think of who I would break my No Dating Rule. I guess time will tell.

Relationships.

I’ve never been in a relationship, let alone had a boyfriend. I think it’s not only because I’m scared to have one or to get betrayed or even hurt, I just don’t understand them. The only male role model that I have ever had as a constant in my life is my uncle Christian. He’s been my best friend, brother, and father my whole life. And I thank him for that. And he shows me that there are good guys out there but that there are also the guys who are not necessarily bad but just not for me. And there was never any strong marriages in my family either. I always had a rule about not dating and my friends at first would say, ” Why?! Don’t you want to find someone and be with them? Or fall in love? Have fun while you’re still young! ” and after helping them with their relationships and problems they now say, ” You were smart to do that! but I think it’s time you lived a little now since you’ve given yourself enough time to think about dating. ” and I do think it’s time for a change. A fresh new start is what I need and I might just wait until graduation day to break my rule. Since there is no one I can think of who I would break my No Dating Rule. I guess time will tell.
March282012
Being Independent. It isn&#8217;t always fun. It can be lonely. And sometimes make you hurt a little from being lonely. It&#8217;s not all bad. Just not always ideal. Especially when people think, &#8221; Wow. She can really hold her own. Look at her standing there.&#8221; When what is going in there mind is, &#8221; why are they just looking at me? Should I try to start a conversation with them? They are my friends but they never seem to really want to talk to me unless they need something. Oh well. I just won&#8217;t look at anyone for too long and stand here waiting for somebody else who needs saving. Don&#8217;t mind me. I&#8217;m not a real person who actually wants to talk and enjoy your company. I&#8217;ll do what is best for you. It&#8217;s the right and unselfish thing to do. Right?&#8221; that&#8217;s retry much what goes on in my head anyways. Oh well. At least I&#8217;m preparing for an unmarried, home alone life that I already seem to have since I don&#8217;t like people coming over to my &#8220;house&#8221;. :/ but I can live with it because I have so far.

Being Independent.

It isn’t always fun. It can be lonely. And sometimes make you hurt a little from being lonely. It’s not all bad. Just not always ideal. Especially when people think, ” Wow. She can really hold her own. Look at her standing there.”
When what is going in there mind is, ” why are they just looking at me? Should I try to start a conversation with them? They are my friends but they never seem to really want to talk to me unless they need something. Oh well. I just won’t look at anyone for too long and stand here waiting for somebody else who needs saving. Don’t mind me. I’m not a real person who actually wants to talk and enjoy your company. I’ll do what is best for you. It’s the right and unselfish thing to do. Right?” that’s retry much what goes on in my head anyways. Oh well. At least I’m preparing for an unmarried, home alone life that I already seem to have since I don’t like people coming over to my “house”. :/ but I can live with it because I have so far.
March202012
micasaessucasa: Cool Hanging Chair made of Volcanic Rock by Maffam Freeform If I had my old house back, that I grew up in, I would sit in these for hours at a time.

micasaessucasa:

Cool Hanging Chair made of Volcanic Rock by Maffam Freeform

If I had my old house back, that I grew up in, I would sit in these for hours at a time.
March122012

architizer:

Tapis Rouge! 1,400 feet of turf rollers sent snaking through the village of Jaujac.

I love this
March72012

thewilliambeckett:

#KONY2012

Invisible children has been going for longer than most people knew. I found out about them in my freshman year of high school and a group of them came to my high school to talk and show us one of their documentaries. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve cried about that. I never truly forgot about them and I have donated to them before. We MUST help them and STOP Joseph Kony. My school used to have a club about this and another one is being started, one of my good friends beat me to the punch of starting it up again :) which makes me insanely happy. This time when I watched and posted this info and video I did not only cry for this madness, but for happiness of all the people I know supporting it!!! When before they didn’t understand now they do and I can’t help but be so PROUD of them. Spread the word. Our government must know that this is something we will NOT stand for. Joseph Kony must be STOPPED.
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